Rating the beers of the world…

Posted: July 17, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

beers_800We take this beer stuff pretty seriously here in Canada and there’s nothing worse than steering a good friend towards a new beer with promises of great taste only to have them turn around and tell you they thought it tasted like fermented sweat socks… So to avoid those moments of shattered hopes, we’ve come up with some handy rating guides for beer based on extensive field and laboratory testing. With these scientifically designed beer ratings, you can rush off to your nearest shop of liquid dreams and track down these golden wonders secure in the knowledge of what you’re in for.

So without further ado, I present the Doherty family’s guide to beers of the world:

Kirk’s 10 Point Scale o’ Beer

10 – A beer brewed from the sweat of angels and the tears of unicorns. Bards will sing of its charms through the ages. Wars will be fought over it. Women will swoon at the taste of it and men will weep.

9 – A beer so good I’d consider giving up sex for one, maybe two whole days for another taste of this golden nectar.

8 – A pretty decent beer, eh.

7 – The minivan of beers… perfectly fine for getting loaded with the team but deep down you’re kind of ashamed you drink it.

6 – Meh. I finished the whole thing but I wouldn’t cross the street to buy another. Unless it was on sale. Or came with hot wings and dancing girls…

5 – It came in a bottle… It looks like beer… It tastes like beer… It must be beer… Good thing we didn’t step in it…

4 – If I were dying of dehydration in the Sahara, I’d probably choose this over drinking my own urine but it would be a mighty close thing.

3 – You know that time when you were little and your dad made you drink a glass of buttermilk telling you that it would put hair on your chest? This beer is worse.

2 – A special blend of misery, broken dreams and dashed hopes. If Dementors drank, this would be their beer of choice.

1– If you could bottle Kenny G’s music, it would taste like this.

Marie’s 3 Point Beer Rating Scale

3 – Tastes slightly better than I imagine dishwater might taste after you’ve done all the dishes and left the water sit in the sink for a while… now it’s all cold and disgusting and things are kind of floating in it…

2 – Tastes like someone fermented the lawn clippings.

1 – Reminiscent of week old cat pee blended with a healthy dose of skunk cabbage presenting subtle hints of sweat sock, old laundry and fish guts.


Caitlin’s 5 Point Beer Scale

Caitlin has been really busy lately and hasn’t had time to devise her rating scale so I came up with one for her… Look for her authentic ratings anytime soon.

5 – Angels and ministers of mercy defend us… no wonder Joyce and all those other authors drank so much of this stuff… Why have my parents kept this ambrosia from me all these years?

4 – This must surely be the very beer that every actor drinks in every movie ever made… you know that moment when they take a long pull from a cold bottle of beer, wipe their lips and flash that satisfied grin for the camera. Even my dad could look cool drinking this beer.

3 – Sort of bland and inoffensive but not all that satisfying. Like Coldplay’s music.

2 –  Tastes like those swamp water drinks you made at 7-Eleven when you were a kid and you’d mix all the Slurpee flavours together… Except this time someone added roadkill and the sludge at the bottom of the garbage can.

1 – My dad once made halibut scent bags from pureed prawns’ heads and the guts of crabs. I imagine this is about what it would have tasted like.  Parents wanting to keep their kids from drinking should give ’em a couple of these…


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